The Cat's Terms and Conditions

I will sit on your laptop at the worst possible time. I will bring you a dead bird and expect applause. I will sleep for eighteen hours then judge you for sleeping eight. I will demand to be let out, stand in the doorway for eleven minutes, then demand to be let in. I will knock your glass off the table. I will look you in the eye while doing it. This is not an accident. This is communication. I will love you on my schedule, not yours. When I come to your lap it is not because you called me. It is because the lap was there and I was generous. You will buy expensive food. I will eat the cheap food. You will buy a bed. I will sleep in the box. These are my terms. You will agree because at 2 AM when you can't sleep and the house is dark and nothing makes sense, I will press my small, warm body against yours and purr— and you will forgive me everything.